JazMarie's blog

Elijah Matthew (02/09/11 10:00 PM PST)

Note to readers: I hope you find encouragement from our story and that my words are God-glorifying. *A little disclaimer, women will find this more interesting than men, I think. :o)

Elijah Matthew

For the first time in my life, God did not grant me the desire of my heart. God had usually allowed to me to have the things that I’ve desired with a combination of dedication, hard work, effort, and prayer: I got married young and have had a wonderful marriage. I graduated with my degree and teaching credential in three years, got a teaching job mid-year, bought a house at 21, etc…I’ve always known that these blessings are not as easy for others as they were for me/us. So when Will went back to school full-time, we had the idea of having a child while he was attending school so that he could be the “stay at home dad.” I had no idea that God was going to tell us, “My timing, not yours.”

Early in 2009 we came across this plan, so I stopped taking birth control, visited my doctor, and was given the go-ahead. We were pleasantly surprised that by July 2009 I got my first positive pregnancy test. I was really unsure at this point because of the whole “line” business being faint, so I decided to go Kaiser a week later, where they confirmed I was pregnant. But two days later I started having symptoms of a miscarriage, and the next day I was positive I was no longer pregnant. Although I was assured by my doctor that this was very common, I shouldn’t worry, etc. it still felt like a huge loss. I had a hard time reigning in my emotions…but then I reverted back to my disciplined self and went into my “go get it” mode. I figured it didn’t take us that long to conceive the first time, God has a plan in store for me, and the miscarriage happened for a reason, so I needed to pick myself up and move on.

After a few more months with no success, I started reading information about conceiving and took steps along the lines of “family planning.” Others call it the “fertility awareness method.” I got to know my cycle very well and continued praying that God had a baby planned for our future. After another few months with no success, I started to get discouraged. I had to be careful when I heard about yet another one of our friends, family, or church members becoming pregnant, because instead of being happy for them, I would feel depressed. I’d hear my teacher friends explain how they “planned for the summer baby” so that they could have the most time with their little one, and thought to myself, “Even if our child is born the middle of the school year, and I’m pregnant all throughout the summer months, I’d take it!” This is when my church family, namely Andrea and Katie, became my womanly support. I found encouragement through my friend’s prayers, bringing me scripture verses, and fellowship. They helped be my pillar of strength when I questioned why we weren’t able to conceive.

By the summer of 2010, we started to look into fertility testing and realized that it was not conceivable until William was working because the expense was so great. I tried to stay upbeat, even when my friends and family were able to conceive without even trying. This was a very hard period in my life. I went through numerous ups and downs, hoping with every cycle that this would be the time, just to find my cycle end and we’d have to start all over. So, we kept monitoring my cycles, I found encouragement from my church family and husband, and we continued praying that God had a baby planned for us.

Well, one thing that is really neat about knowing your body well was that getting that first positive pregnancy test almost confirms what your body was already telling you. I was so excited to see the “other line!” But because of the previous miscarriage, we decided to wait awhile before we shared our news. Two days after that first positive pregnancy test, I started noticing symptoms that had me very afraid that was I was going to miscarry again. I took four pregnancy tests in the matter of 3 days, each time fearful that the line would disappear, but it continued to get darker as the symptoms subsided. I made an appointment with Kaiser and an ultrasound was able to confirm the heartbeat! I could barely contain my tears of joy! We were still a little unsure of the whole process, so we decided to wait until my first trimester was completed until we made the announcement.

As I look back on the past two years I see this humbling experience God had laid out for me. It drew me closer to my husband, taught me more of His word, and strengthened my friendships. It was His timing, not mine.

Now, instead of the baby coming before Will graduates, little Eli will be here after he has walked across the stage. Although many people think we tried to plan our baby for the summer, it was all in His design. I have a whole new understanding for the biblical term “God opened her womb.” I feel immensely blessed that God, in His sovereignty, allowed us to conceive.

I truly am so blessed.

Sunday (06/13/10 7:34 AM PDT)

June 13th. This day has so much meaning for me. Today, it seems to have some extra special significance. It marks the one month anniversary of one of my closest friend’s surgery to remove cancer. It’s such an answer to prayer that all of it was removed, and as of now, she is cancer-free.

It also marks the seventeenth year of my mother’s death. It always seems to be more poignant on a Sunday, for that was the day of the week she died. We moved in with my dad and step mom after she had gotten ill. I remember my dad taking us to church. We didn’t sit in the pews, but in the cry room instead. There was a mother in there with her baby who kept looking at us funny. It was there that he told my sister and me that my mother passed away that morning. I remember returning home to find family and friends ready to console us, and I had seriously considered hiding in a closet.

I’ve come to accept that all things work for the good of those who love God. I know that my mother’s death was the single most life altering event I’ve experienced and a majority of that alteration was for the better. Even though I’ve accepted God’s will, there is still that little hole in me begging to be filled.

I was nine when she passed. I don’t remember what she looks like really, except in memories where I’ve replaced the photo images I have of her to what happens in them. I can’t remember the sound of her voice. I don’t know when she had her first boyfriend, or when she started her period. I don’t know how tall she was or if blue really was her favorite color.
I do know she loved horses and good food. And that she had a lot of good people in her life trying to help her.

I wonder if there will be a June 13th that I forget. Will it slip by me without me remembering? Or will there be a time that I forget to sing happy birthday to her in my head as I figure out how old she would have been? I think I’d feel guilty, but then wonder, “Does my remembering or not remembering have any meaning?” I don’t know.

But I do know:

Isaiah 25:8
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken.

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Rejoicing will come in the morning.

This summer (06/24/09 8:15 PM PDT)

Well, this summer is already going by exceedingly fast! This will probably be one of the bussiest summers we've had since our marriage, and I feel slightly dissapointed that I don't get to enjoy my the "vacation Jaz" that gets to come out every once in a while to stay up late, read hours into the night, enjoy TV, and sleep in a little. But, such is life!!

Pretty much since the end of May, every other weekend has been taken up with one outgoing or another. We've had birthday parties, weddings, graduations, and still more to come. This weekend we're spending some time in Vegas for a cousin's wedding, then a week off, fourth of july stuff, and it's time for the Mud Run! I'm hoping that same weekend, since we're down south, we can spend a day at Magic Mountain. We haven't been there for ages! The following weekend Will is going to a Men's Bible Conference in Santa Clarita, and then it's time for me to go back to work. I may get one or two weeks off this summer, depending on how many days I can substitute for our Summer School teachers. At least one week will be devoted to painting the ENTIRE inside of our house. It needs it badly! I also have plans to knit a baby blanket, and I'm about a quarter of the way done with that.

It almost feels like the summer is over already, and it's only a few days old! I'm excited though, that there will be a little routine, which will help keep me eating and sleeping right!!

No More :-) (05/09/09 9:13 PM PDT)

I've found myself at this really weird point today. I've been working forever on my thesis, trying and trying to get it to be the minimum of 60 pages, and alas, today I am at 42. If you count all my raw data tables, I'm at 49. I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place with this. The topic that I investigated has very very limited research on, so my lit review is very small. All my advisors said it would be okay - the data would make up the rest. And now, here I sit, with at least 11 pages to go and I don't know what to do. One advisor said that they'd "fight" for me, because it is supposed to be about "quality" not "quantity" right? I feel a bit let down because I had been switching back and forth between this topic and another that would have been a lot easier, and was convinced by my advisors to go for the tough one.

Aye, my brain hurts.

But in happy news, we bought a Wii yesterday. Woot! Now we are shopping around for a good deal on a Wii Fit package - is 80 as low as it goes?

Mud Run =) (04/18/09 6:05 PM PDT)

Well, I have many life long dreams, and among one of them is to compete in a triathlon. Well, this is my baby step to get to that goal. I am hoping to sign up and finish (notice I didn't say COMPETE), in Irvine's 5k mud run. There will be tunnel crawls, mud pits, obstacles, climbing walls, etc., along with the 5K. I hope to have be on a "team" with some coworkers and we will try and work out together before the event. I'm really excited to try to get in shape and complete something like this. Having friends to do this with is wonderful too! Any other takers?

http://ecomudruntour.com/orange-county-mud-run/

Wish me luck with training and finishing!! lol

New Job :o) (03/19/09 7:14 PM PDT)

It has been quite a while since I posted on here, I feel a little bad, but not too much :o)
So, the new developments in my life...
I'm not a second grade teacher anymore, but a Reading Coach, among other things! I started in January, and it was difficult to leave my little ones - even in very capable hands. My job description is supposed to be in support of teachers, basically a teacher teaching teachers. But at this point in the year about a quarter of my time is being spent that way, and the other three fourths is spent on organizational stuff, book ordering, inventory, CST, Benchmark testing, etc. But, I do love it. I am kept busy all the time, with never a dull moment. I especially look forward to the times I get to collaborate with teachers, which will probably happen more frequently at the beginning of the year.

I am almost done with my Masters in Reading Literacy. As soon as my principal approves my research project, I'll start collecting data for my thesis. I'm such a school girl because I'm totally excited about doing the work. The writing 50+ pages I'm not too thrilled about, but the data analysis sounds fun.

I'm also learning how to text, and I was thinking about a new phone that might make it easier on me. It takes me about three minutes to get out two sentences, and half the fun is taken out of it. I figure if I text more often I'll get better, but I want it to be easy now :o)

Oh, and I'm knitting a baby blanket for my cousin.

p.s. (11/06/08 8:59 PM PST)

Today was day 55 out of 181. Crazy.

Where is number three? (11/06/08 8:59 PM PST)

So, bad events always happen in three's right? (Right Woods :o) So, the day before Halloween my eucalyptus tree split in half and dented our front yard (along with our savings account). Seriously, we could not get to our front door and you could see nothing of our front yard! Then, yesterday our water heater breaks and floods the garage. The flooding wasn't that bad - I swept most of the water out and it just damaged some wood and what not that was on the floor. But replacing a water heater? Youch! So...what's next? =)

Tuesday, July 15 2003

what should jaz minor in?

P.E.	62% (5)
Spanish	37% (3)

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